


All I Got Left

by katie_b



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Injury, Injury Recovery, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy Friendship, James T. Kirk is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22208524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katie_b/pseuds/katie_b
Summary: What if, during the events of Into Darkness, Carol Marcus was not so fast?
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	All I Got Left

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this art

McCoy stared at the light reflecting from the polished metal table. The light was a soft blue color except where it shone through his bottle of whiskey. In those places, honeyed streaks colored the silver of the table.

His eyes went to the walls next, looking but not seeing. He refused to look at his hand. If he didn’t look at it, he could go on pretending it wasn’t the same color as the table.

He moved to grab his glass, twitching slightly at the sound of metal scraping against metal. Moving his bionic arm off the table, he grabbed the half-empty glass with his right hand. He downed all of the whiskey in one go, grimacing slightly at the taste. It reminded him too much of the anesthetic used during the operation.

Objectively speaking, the operation was a roaring success. The best Starfleet medical officers managed to save some of his arm, and the bionic he received was top of the line. Hell, it probably functioned better than his real arm. It could feel textures, temperature difference, density, and the engineering officers even left room for modifications. Jim had immediately suggested that he get a flask installed in there, and Leonard had found out then that you can see your brain if you roll your eyes far back enough.

Yeah, his new arm was pretty fucking cool. He still refused to look at it. Maybe he would one day, but right now every clank of metal, every cold sensation of it against his skin reminded him of that torpedo. At times he swore he could still feel the phantom pain of it crushing his arm. If only that was all of it; he lost count of the number of times he dreamed of Carol across from him. She was shouting, he couldn’t hear what from his own voice telling Jim to get her out of there. To leave him. He never asked Jim what his decision would have been if it came to that. He wasn’t cruel enough to ask that question, and wasn’t brave enough to know the answer.

Oh, he should just be grateful to be alive and get over it. Hide a flask in his arm for the bad days, and make the rest of the days less bad. Maybe if he got drunk enough he could have Spock explain the most logical approach. On the way he could stop and take a picture of the flying pigs that would be bound to crop up. Leonard groaned and lowered his head, crossing his arms on the table. This time he didn’t flinch at the cool sensation of the metal on skin contact.

He also didn’t flinch at the sound of the door to his quarters opening. The bounciness of footsteps and the hearty clap on Leonard’s back told him it was Jim.

“How you doing, Bones?” he asked.

Leonard grunted in response.

“That good, huh?” There was the sound of clinking glass, and Jim’s soft laugh. “No wonder you’re feeling lousy, Bones, you’re better off drinking pure ethanol.” The hand was back on his shoulder, softer this time. “Come on, I have some good stuff left from when Pike…” he drifted off.

McCoy turned his head. Jim was staring off into the distance, a pensive look on his face. Lost in his own memory, with his own torpedo and scars. The space got everyone sooner or later.

“Let’s go,” he said, pushing his chair away from the table and getting up. “Your place is bigger, anyway.”

The two of them made way towards Kirk’s chambers in silence. Leonard’s eyes kept glancing to the way light bounced off of his left arm. It wasn’t until they settled down in Kirk’s fancy captain armchairs that Jim spoke.

“Are you sure you want to stay on the Enterprise, Bones?”

Leonard paused in the middle of reaching for the bottle. “What kind of question is that? You think my hands are starting to shake?”

Jim smiled, but it didn’t last. “Facing Khan took a toll on all of us.”

“And all of us made it out alive. With a few close calls.” Bones shook his head. “What is this about, Jim?”

"I was supposed to keep you safe. You lost a hand, Bones. Carol was lucky to only end up with scars and keep her sight. I wouldn't blame you if you requested a transfer, or went to the Academy to teach."

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?" Bones asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Permission granted."

"Are you out of your mind? Maybe I should quit, I obviously missed some brain damage after Khan." He glared at Jim. "You're not pulling my leg, are you?" he said, more to himself than to Jim.

"Let it all out, Bones, it's good for you," Jim said, pouring himself some of Pike's whiskey in a glass.

"Did you forget you friggin' died, Jim? Of course you kept us safe. You kept us alive." McCoy sighed, pushing his own glass towards Jim, who filled it. "Look, I won't say I'm having a great time with this," he continued, wiggling the fingers of his left hand. "And I'm guessing Carol isn't exactly happy with her scars. But we knew what we signed up for. To die lost somewhere in the neverending cold of space."

"Have I ever told you I love your positive attitude?"

"The point is, Officer Marcus and I knew the risk. We took it, and we lost. But how is that different than all the times you tried some new ridiculous stunt that by some miracle didn't get the whole crew killed?"

Jim didn't respond.

"Remember what I told you the day we met?" Leonard asked.

Jim cocked an eyebrow. "That you would throw up on me?"

That got a dry chuckle out of him. "Besides that. I said I was going to space because that was the only place I had left. That, and my bones."

"And you don't even have all of those anymore," Jim added. He took a sip from his glass.

"No, I don't. And it's gonna be awhile before I come to terms with it. But don't you dare blame yourself for that. Every crew member on the Enterprise owes you their lives. You've earned our loyalty, Jim. Hell, you've earned Spock's loyalty, and that Vulcan broomstick opens up about as easy as a raw Thendorian shell."

"Stop it, you'll make me blush," Jim said in a dry voice, staring at the table.

"The point is, you're the captain and you're responsible for the Enterprise and her crew. But that doesn't mean you gotta beat yourself up about everything that goes wrong. We'll spend the next five years in space." Bones reached for his glass, taking a hearty swig. Jim was right; it was much better than the glorified disinfectant he'd been drinking. "It's gonna be a miracle if we survive and don't go crazy from the lack of land. I sure as hell don't think we'll manage to do that. But I trust in your ability to keep us alive, Jim. Even if sometimes you lose a limb or two along the way."

They sat in comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

Finally, Jim said "I think that was the absolute worst pep-talk I've ever heard in my life. No, really," he added, seeing Leonard's shoulders shake with laughter. "I should've recorded that to play during red alert." He shook his head, smiling. "Thank you, Bones. I needed that."

"I don't mind giving you a hand. It's detachable," Leonard mumbled in his cup.

"Does it still hurt? Your real hand?"

"It's becoming rarer, but I doubt it'll ever go away."

"You do know that I would still consider you the best MO in the whole Starfleet even if you lost both hands?"

Leonard leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling. "That actually helps, in a weird way."

"And you were wrong, by the way."

"Huh?"

"When you said that space is the only thing you have left."

"Now I also have a cool new arm."

"And the Enterprise and her crew. Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, Chekov, that cute Orion that works in engineering and comes for a check-up twice more often just so she can talk to you…" Jim drifted off, looking at Leonard. "You're not alone, Bones, you haven't been since the moment you almost threw up on me on that shuttle."

Leonard rubbed at his eyes and drank the rest of his whiskey. "Goddammit, Jim, you make joining a borderline suicidal mission into uncharted space sound like the best decision I've ever made."

Jim smiled at that. "Maybe it is." He filled their cups again.

Leonard stared at the half-filled glass, at the light reflecting from it. It reminded him of stars.

The thought almost made him smile.

**Author's Note:**

> The art may be five years old, but my Star Trek obsession is recent  
> I have a [tumblr](https://bibia-be-ye-ye-ye.tumblr.com/) come say hi


End file.
